the last show i went to was to see julie doiron play at the biltmore when i was about 8 months pregnant. i remember eating roadside perogies in the lineup because the wait was so tiring. the show was good but not great. my girlfriend julie seemed stressed playing to such a drunken crowd, she sang too loud and fast in a frustrated sort of way.
i suppose my last real rock show was when i went to see my friend craigs band prague play at the secret location, when i was about 5 or 6 months pregnant. it was really loud, smokey and my feet hurt, i realized i wanted to relax at home more. i struggled a bit with feelings of 'not being punk anymore', which in retrospect is pretty funny.
pregnancy, birth, six months of motherhood. it has all been pretty radical and revolutionary for adam and i. we are trying hard to be healthy and active in the things we're passionate about, while being the best parents in the world to ms. cutie pie herself.
i'm finally in a band again and after two practices we have a show and recording done. this was possible because the whole family came with me, ivy loves music and watches us rehearse with her hunting grade hearing protection on. some of her easiest and happiest days have been on these jam days, it's really awesome.
i wonder always after a jam, how did this awesome thing happen to my life? apparently the first time i met gord was at a show in winnipeg that my band was playing, during the set i grabbed him by his shirt collar and screamed in his face. this is normal if you know my tantrums on stage, and some people like it enough to want to collaborate. so gord of a million bands invited me to sing in this new one, believing in me a lot and not hesitating at all with my family in tow. al from hard feelings is drumming and is officially ivy's favorite person to watch, besides me and adam of course.
the first show last night was, in a nutshell, the great dirty house show of my dreams. it was my first live music in months, aside from jamming. it was a huge release to finally be back in business.
after giving birth to ivy, i have been the extension of her and head over heels in love ALL THE TIME. but who am i? i have wrestled with questions about whether or not i should bury my old self and just start anew, burn my clothes, sell my records, and just rediscover the world. but then this band happened and bingo, there she is, me! when i play music i flip the switch back into my opinionated, raging self and this makes for good rowdy times. i really like the warmth and softness of my everyday life with my baby in my arms. but there is truly more to love, a dark part, and i frankly don't know any other way to express completely than through songs.
and here is an example of this dilemma i have with communicating...
when i was about a week shy of giving birth, i was consumed with waiting. i was swimming evenings at a pool downtown with adam, sometimes on my own. i'd waddle my huge-seeming body into the pool and get awesome relief for my back in the weightlessness of the water. me and ivy would just bask in each others presence in the coolness while i paddled around. some of the most peaceful moments of my life were in that pool, can't do it justice with words. that particular evening i speak of was the best. it was during the olympics, all the other regulars were watching tv or at some stupid sports event so i had the whole beautiful pool to myself. not a ripple, just me and baby. adam jammed in a warehouse nearby, i left the pool to walk to his spot. then the shit hit the fan, i passed a strip club called Brandi's on the corner. the sign on the street had a big photo of a lineup of women in lacey underwear, and the macho bouncers at the door were wearing all black. i couldn't help it, i stopped in front of the club and started saying stuff to the bouncers. they were big and stoic and had smart ass responses to my questions like, 'what if it was your sister working in that club?' and 'how do you explain what you do to your kids?' i got more and more emotional, i was totally disgusted by their smug amusement while i felt so much fear for my child and the misogyny that this little person would be born into despite my love. maybe it seemed to some like a pointless, stupid thing to do, but reality is different when a woman is about to give birth. at least for me, stuff mattered, everything, so much more than ever. i wouldn't leave those bouncer bastards alone, and eventually they threatened to have me arrested! i told them to hurry up and call the cops because i'd really like to see pigs handcuff a pregnant woman. i was fuming and they didn't call the cops, just sent out the head bouncer. he was calm and polite and listened to me, he then explained that he is trying to earn a living for his kids and that the best thing i could do is to be a loving mother so my child wouldn't one day fall prey to that 'industry'. i told him he should be ashamed, knowingly exploiting people who suffered neglect, abuse, or just years of programming through sexist media. then we were just speechless, i just stood next to them as they carded the drunken men who entered the club. some men made fun of me, some looked guilt ridden, some scared. the sight of a distraught pregnant woman standing next to the lacey underwear sign must have been fucked up, even to beer goggles.
i left when my knees hurt. i cried for blocks, olympic signs everywhere, the streets crowded with people wearing red and white for national pride. one drunk jock said to me, 'don't be sad, it's the olympics!'. i cried harder! and it felt good. to finally express the despair i skim the surface of everyday from my place in the status quo. ivy helped me to break through totally feel something real, and i can't describe exactly what that was, but with her living inside of me i knew that the state of the world is so confusing in it's beauty and brutality, and that it's crucial for me to keep myself together for her. but at the end of the experience, when i finally talked to adam, i still felt at a loss, like i hadn't fully expressed my anger at those misogynists, i had censored myself, even if just a little bit.
here are the lyrics for our first six songs. we are called SFB.
song one, 'carrall'
what came first, the smell or the sound?
piss stained alley tells her story loud
a scream, door slam, wheels peel away
harmed taken by force with debt yet to pay
no response, broad daylight
hungry knowing faces turn away
no justice
missing persons sign
female face on it again, no suprize
you might recognize her if you looked twice
at a person on that block
no justice tonight
song two, 'john'
stairs steep narrow
followed every step
by hate filled men
who's only relief
is to dominate
a 'date' is rape every time
song 3, 'endocrine'
chemical final solution
monopoly of bodily function
doctor and nurse surrounded
all i want
is to know
about my body
and have control
this is what it's like to be a woman today
bombarded by commercials
can't believe what they say
these drugs they make us sick
song 4, 'best fed'
take another look
take another look
take another look
i can't even feed my kid!
it's just a breast
but it's a spectacle
some shout some don't
all of me stays the same
no mother love the state is fucked
no mother love the butt of a joke
no mother should hide in fear
end the fetish
song 5, 'grandview'
they roll right in put up a fence
should we stand outside?
it went up without our consent
they say the construction
is to improve the look
to dance is to disagree
to cut the fence to the park we cannot reach
and we say we know
and we can say we've read
the chapter on oppression
is just doesn't make a fucking difference
the choice is ours
to stand still or to take the streets
its an illusion, this peace
song 6, 'david'
he says satan is in the air
satan is ruler of this world
satan is your god
white tent full of calm angry men
name tag sweater vest argument
david lies and says he doesn't hate me
he pretends
queers sneek inside
photo opportunity
should we laugh at or confront
these bigots disguised as men
when a boy dies strung up on a fence
where was david then?
when a woman died of botched abortion
where was david then?
he says he cares
liars like david are everywhere
x
