did it. posted a labour photo.9 weeks into parenthood i am indulging in memories of that crazy experience. i say to myself quietly, often: 'if i can give birth at home i can do ANYTHING'.
i created this blog site when i was pregnant. i was home lots and inspired by so many sensual, joyful experiences standing in front of my tiny gas oven. the sights, smells (pregnancy made my sense of smell super strong), intentions and constant celebration. i felt so close to my growing baby whenever i was engulfed in the aroma's of cooking onions, meat and herbs. love food, had to write!
now i dont have two free hands to cook and it is my daily goal, by any means necessary, to be nourished so that i can nourish.
i want to write about giving life. now instead of standing at the stove i sit with ivy in my arms, feeding her mothers milk whenever she wants for as long as she wants.
birth story...
i had asked the baby in utero to please stay put until after friday march 5. i wanted to attend my friend Lauren's birthday dinner. lots of kicking, braxton hicks contractions and cervical mucous, birth was near. i didn't know that by that date adam and i both would be so charged with waiting that we would be nearly unravelling. that day we had an intense argument and both said things we didn't mean. what a mess, i thought. but realized we had a celebration to attend, so with eyes tired from tears we drove to the restaurant and hung out in the van for a while chasing the blues away, at least from plain sight. and then finally surrounded by friends, i sobered up emotionally.
that night i went to bed drained but looking forward to the 90 minute massage i'd booked for the following day.
saturday march 6, i woke up hungover from the emotional rollercoaster. i kissed adam adieu, sniffed some eucalyptus oil to clear my head, and walked my very pregnant body over to the massage clinic. i indulged in lots of foot, hip and back therapy, breathing through the more painful deep tissue massage that made me feel closer to the baby. my massage therapist was perfect for that day, excited for me yet professional, and graciously gave me an extra 20 mintues of his time. so i left the appointment exorcised.
called adam, he was exorcising is own shadows at stanley park. i met him there where he was dripping with sweat, skateboarding in the sun on a bridge with our camera, filming skate tricks for the video we were making together. the battery ran out 20 seconds prior to him landing the hardest trick of the day. bummer!
but the day was sunny and beautiful. we walked to the templeton on granville and had dinner. i ate fish and chips and my braxton hicks contractions were unusual and strong. we were sitting on stools and i stranddled mine for comfort. we werent alarmed just excited. we left, adam suggested we get home, feeling that the birth was coming soon.
we watched a movie and went to bed. my contractions woke me up early in the morning, about 7am on sunday March 7. i laid in bed next to adam as he slept, the tension in my belly intensifying and relaxing again and again. i was so elated to be 'in' labour, i just stayed put for a couple of hours enjoying the sensations in quiet solitude.
then i got out of bed and laid on our couch with our laptop to surf the internet. each time the tension in my belly increased i breathed and moaned, closed my eyes and kept going. adam heard me and from bed called to me, asking if i was okay. i most definitely was, i told him the deed was going down. go time.
in those morning hours we talked about what we needed to do. i remember going back to bed to snuggle and make out. we had heard that the hormone relaxin present in semen was helpful for labour. we would have made love anyway, but the relaxin benefit was that days pick up line!
time passed, contractions continued, they were more regular and about 5-8 minutes apart. a minute in length. i wrote down the times of about 20 to confirm my perception of the rhythm. i wanted to labour as long as possible alone with adam and as the strength of the contractions mounted i told him to inflate the birth pool. funny, there was a disclaimer he noticed that said it's recommended to inflate the pool well in advance of labour, oops. well, good thing he succeeded, i had shut myself into our stand up shower letting hot water fall on my low back. the contractions were strong and i was making sounds, the beginning of hours of 'ooohahhh'. in little time the pool was in working order in our super tiny living room, beside my birth altar where gifts and symbolic items were positioned for months. i didnt notice it during labour though. i took a few steps from the shower to the pool still shallow with warm water. but it was enough to decend my thighs and butt into, and i felt totally 'in labour' aka 'in exquisite pain'. we were still timing contractions, they were 5 minutes apart. that is when adam asked to take a couple photos, which i agreed to, that is the one above. looking back at the photo, i remember the tension in my belly as the muscle flexed and pushed low. it was a pain that i embraced, but definitely pain that i struggled with. i told myself that each contraction was one furthering me to birth, furthering my own life. and in that shallow plastic pool i felt proud. adam told me i looked like i knew what i was doing. i did and didn't.
about 5 hours had passed, and i moved to our bedroom floor by the bed. i leaned over the bed in my fluffy orange house coat and told adam to call the midwives. we needed to focus on the labour not the logistics of the space or unanswered questions. my intention had been to avoid the presence of any 'outsider' to this pregnancy and labour. i didn't know who of the four midwives that attended me would show up. when adam said that grace answered the phone i was relieved, she has a wise presence i liked a lot. and the call to her confirmed that i was accepting midwives at our birth, a choice that didnt feel pressured, which pleased me.
grace arrived with a student midwife jasmine that i really liked in earlier meetings, she had a gentle presence and was respectful. the two of them asked a few questions and settled into our little home, that somehow turned into a beautiful mess during the labour with stuff knocked over or cast aside. our three cats were busy as usual going in and out, the midwives were their personal door openers. the midwives worked to fill the pool, boiling big pots of water. jasmine watered down orange juice for me to sip through a straw. i asked questions when i wanted to, the midwives offered to check the heart rate regularly. i even let them do occasional cervical checks, these were not my pre-labour intentions but nonetheless, i felt comfortable and still myself. i hated the doppler but allowed it use during heartrate checks.
as the birth pool filled i leaned back, eyes closed and spoke in a voice almost not my own, through each contraction, telling myself that all people came into being through labour, that it must be possible, that i can continue, that i wouldn't die from the pain. i'd say out loud when i felt the contraction releasing, ending, triumphant. this pattern continued. the pool filled, pot by pot. i drank more and more water juice.
then the puking memories... i would vomit from the pressure and force mounting in my body, but i didnt feel sick. that mild juice actually tasted pretty good coming up, and i felt cleansed each time it happened. that puking actully helped me dilate!
i laboured on the toilet again and again, looking at my partner, telling him how much it hurt. adam reflected back my surreal experience. i remember feeling like he was my mirror reflection, though the calm one. he didnt feel my pain, but did feel some. we cried a little i think, but mostly confidently embraced each contraction. i'd never let him in the bathroom when i crapped before, so it was a milestone for our relationship!
back in the pool i remember adam slung over the side of the pool cradling me. mine was a weightless body suspended in each contraction, totally focused. grace sat for hours by that pool in our rocking chair, knitting, saying little while jasmine managed the water temperature. they answered emphatically 'yes' whenever i suprized myself in asking if what was happening was normal.
the water was so hot my temperature turned feverish. i felt chills whenever i left the water. i took a tylenol and rested in bed with adam. we napped between contractions, two minutes of rest for every minute of hard work. our siamese cat fluff laid on the foot of the bed, refusing to move for anyone... once even stretching to touch the student midwife on the rear end while she checked my cervix. it was hilarious.
hours were passing and my waters hadnt broken. my dilation stayed at 9cm. contractions were slowing down. the sun was rising on Monday March 8. everyone was exhausted and i was dehydrated. when midwife Lindsay came, i said farewell to grace and the student, and recieved an intravenous drip of water. it was cold couraing into my hand but my body soaked up the hydrating fluid. it was worth the hassle of adam having to hold the bag high behind me whenever i paced around our then cluttered birth cave.
my contractions were much less strong and suddenly there was some recognition that i could possibly require transfer to the hospital. no way in hell i was leaving my home peacefully, we all knew that so Lindsay suggested we get natural oxytocin flowing in me, and adam and i for the first time in so many hours laid in bed talking, kissing and touching my breasts. we walked in circles around the birth pool while Lindsay cooked up a high energy drink on the stove with aloe, ginger and honey she'd found in my cupboards. it must have been tricky for her to give us real privacy in our tiny home, but as i leaned on the edge of the birth pool in my housecoat, hips held from behind by adam, she all but disappeared, and the contractions got very strong again. it felt like an insane, low, butt pain.
she checked my cervix, 9 1/2 cms, so close and the head was coming down. i couldnt tell if i had 'the urge' to push, but i definitely wanted to do something about the pain in my butt. we talked about pushing, Lindsay would help the head pass down by manually holding the lip of my stretchy dilated cervix aside as i beared down. squatting on the side of the bed i moved through contractions with short, intense pushes, making some harsh noise. when i held the harsh noise inside and sent it down into my butt, i really felt progress. lindsay told me i could reach inside to feel the head, it wasnt smooth like i expected, it was a bunch of skin folds, weird! soon squatting felt too intense, so i laid on my side on our bed. surreal, the room somehow went from nighttime dark to mid morning light and for 45 mins i pushed during contractions to bring that head out, truly the most insane, mind blowing, brutal feeling i never could have predicted. the baby's head slipped in and out not yet seeing the light of day, i irrationally feared it would slip way back. adam and the midwives roooted for me and i even remember screaming that birth is impossible, i cant do it! but with one leg in the air, supported by a second midwife, and warm cloth on my perineum, the baby crowned. with several contractions i tried to slowly push the head out. with my hands i felt the head, a wrinkly little bulge at first, passing over my tissues, pulling them to their limit. i remember adam crying which was a good sign! my clitoris felt stretched, a crazy pain! with a final push the shoulders passed and baby was completely out, crying for 5 or 6 seconds, put immediately on my belly. i remember saying 'its so big!', and feeling shock that an actual baby was what all this work was for.
baby was pink and soft, quiet and warm. adam told me that we did it, we had a gentle birth. i was so intensely stoked, pleased and proud. i instinctively brought the baby to my breast and was shocked that the little mouth opened and sucked. we layed there skin to skin in awe and delight while midwives did less pleasant stuff like chord traction to remove the placenta, belly rubbing to firm up the uterus and prevent hemmorage, an oxytocin shot in the leg that i agreed to, and pressure on tissues to examine for tearing. no injuries, not stitches, i felt triumphant and relieved. we were so ecstatic we didnt think to check for the sex for what must have been half and hour, so when i thought of it, i put my hand under the recieving blanket and touched the little vulva. we had a little girl on international womens day, pretty cool.
the midwives did some brieft cleaning, putting tonnes of laundry and garbage into two huge plastic bags. then they were gone and the three of us could be together, laying in bed. at some point adam went at my request to get poutine from the corner shop, and i began building back my strength. i was pale somewhat and soft in the belly, my chest hurt from the lack of pressure on my lungs that had been exerted by my massive uterus.
this is my recollection of events. i am so pleased at how we birthed Ivy Ellen, 29 hours and no pain medication, and the true feeling of respect and control throughout the experience. adam and i shared the most intimate experience possible and i love him beyond words! i appreciate the help of all the four midwives, and not least, the calm, cool presence of my special spiritual doula - the siamese :)
XO
